2:22am – I woke up. There was no particular reason, as usual. So I’ve come to accept that it just happens from time to time. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that the past couple of my nights have been full of vivid dreams. And my morning meditations and journaling have been teasing of new beginnings for this “new me.” So I wasn’t too surprised by the wake up. It seemed synergistic in a way. Because I had just finished and published Part I of my latest erotic Mr. Darcy book bundle. And my approach to this version not only shows my evolution as a writer, it proves the impression my new found psychospirituality has made on my version of Mr. Darcy…and myself.
The Erotic Writer
A quick recap before I dive in. Much of the work I’ve done on myself, including building my personal philosophy, occurred in my darkness during the witching hours. And I can’t deny that I have come to (kind of) enjoy these bouts of insomnia. They’re pretty enlightening. But I recently realized that when I began writing erotic short stories, I was simply a “new” writer. Then the erotic writer discovered she was also codependent. And so she set out to fix herself armed only with her passion for philosophy and psychology, and an unquenchable thirst for exploration of the mind.
It was as though I took a four month detour to gain more information, and analyze the hell out of it. And because there is a bit of every writer in their work, it was only a matter of time before my evolving psychospiritual world would converge with my erotic world. Which has me toying with terms like “Existential Erotica” and “Philosophical Erotica.” Which also got me thinking…
Perhaps exploring our erotic notions is a way for us to know ourselves. Understand where our desires come from and how they resonate through the life we lead.
Erotic Nature of the Human Experience
So what do I mean by “Existential Erotica” and the like? Well, let’s start with some definitions, just so you can follow my thought a bit easier.
Sexuality is normal, no matter how beastly ancient philosophers (and some modern ones) want it to seem. And so we must accept it as part of the human existence. Even if that acceptance becomes a rejection due to health, or opinion. The path of this acceptance, whatever it is, must seek to understand its relationship to our unique humanity. And we can achieve this by exploring our erotic notions and how they have been impacted by our lives…and continue to impact our lives.
We must admit our erotic desires to ourselves, and not judge them. So we may learn from them. (Unless you’re into the Marquis de Sade‘s ideas which infringe on the freedoms of others. Then judge them and get help. Because we must do no harm as we explore our erotic natures.)
But what are we actually learning from these “erotic desires”? If you give this some good, objective thought you will easily see that our erotic tastes tell us a lot about ourselves, and not just sexually. They reflect our upbringing, our biases, and opinions based on positive or negative outcomes, and on and on. Erotic desires are part of the existential experience. They are part of our thoughts and actions of free will. But deeper still, how that “free will” created actions. So we may subsequently take responsibility for such actions. Which leads to the evolution of the mind by healing our perceptions of the past.
Erotic notions are part of completely understanding the “I.” The entire goal is to provide access to a deeper part of ourselves which will naturally give way to deeper thoughts, if we indulge them. All in an effort toward self awareness and enlightenment, which are found in the depths of our thoughts.
A friend, who is an amateur historian, and I were talking the other night about the taboo nature of sex, at least in America. Remember, we’re a nation founded by prudes.
He said that every generation wants to leave their mark. And while we’ve pushed a lot of boundaries over the years, we’ve learned that sex is supposed to be a little dirty. Which is why we keep “upping the ante” with sexual expression.
He argued that exploring the erotic elements of sexuality are our way of creating decadence in our outward reality. Because that’s what we are now, decadent. And sex may truly be the last bit of decadence many of us experience after adulthood seeps in. Which is why we apply an extra layer of challenge to it, and feel guilty about it. Which I believe makes it even more important to explore our “erotic existentialism.” And what better way to begin than with the psychology of Carl Jung’s Darkness?
Early Morning Darkness with Carl Jung
When I woke at 2:22am, I found my way to this excerpt of a lecture by Carl Jung. It’s a short listen and has a lot of thought provoking points. To summarize the theme: Accept Yourself and Accept Others. That’s how you begin to do good things.
But the psychological truth that Jung mentions which I’d like to focus on is that all too often we think of ourselves as the enemy and don’t even realize it. Why? Because this “bad conscience” has been engrained in us through guilt and sin.
The Integrity of Guilt
It could be said that we’re each chasing decadence only to stoke the one emotion which Jung plainly states we’re really good at – guilt. Guilt is a very real feeling for most of us, and crippling for many more. We’ve learned that there is an honesty to it. A representation of our integrity. And a way to flagellate ourselves based on our programming, rather than true individual thought.
I’d be willing to say that sex is perhaps the most “guilty pleasure” we have. (Well, include donuts for me, as well.) And so I ask, do you truly believe that pleasure should be synonymous with guilt? But before you answer I implore you to give it more thought than whatever response just came into your head.
There are countless ways to perceive your experience. And if you’ve found your way to this blog, you are likely searching for something more within yourself. I promise you, it is within you. You simply need to be willing to be alone with yourself. And be inspired by the words of others. Let them be your teachers, your guides. Not your messiahs. Embrace that there is no right or wrong. There is only you and what makes you feel. Good or bad is entirely up to you.
Existential Mr. Darcy
And so I have been inspired to take what I have learned thus far on my journey and explore these thoughts deeper through my erotic writings. It seems that applying existential ideas to characters who are not me will yield some new perspectives. And also enhance the effort to better understand myself. And, if I do it well, I hope to inspire others, too.
I know I’ve mentioned before that the way I have written the erotic nature of Darcy and Elizabeth include aspects of me. And now I’ve taken to exploring them, well, mostly him, as an existential being as a way to teach myself a deeper depth. There are a million ways I could analyze this. But what it does is contribute a more complete view of the characters. Which is why I was inspired to approach this new bundle of the Pemberley Estate Series differently. It’s no longer just a bundle of short stories. It fills in the blanks and gets to the person, the humanity of the experience. Not just the erotic scenarios for the reader’s pleasure. The characters have new life through my personal experiences. And thus we have, “Erotic Existentialism.”
You can find Part I of this new bundle on Amazon Kindle. The first five original erotic stories are still in there. But there is a beginning, a reflection of the darkness by Darcy. Part II and III are on their way in the next couple of weeks. But as the first reader wrote,
And that’s exactly the goal.