Here I sit, simmering in a pot of thought bubbles. Some are thoughts of how social media imprints on our subconscious. And some are thoughts of just how much negativity is spread under the guise of romantic thoughts and heartbreak. Then I think about how to apply the knowledge (I think) I’m gaining. I’m also wondering if I should switch things up and take my friend up on his offer of casual sex. So many thoughts and things to consider. But one thing is certain, all the answers boil down to one thing. Emotional Intelligence. Which naturally leads to the question, “Have I gained any?”
It’s Still Dark in Here
If I am gaining emotional intelligence it hasn’t seemed to usher in a renaissance in my decision making abilities. All this time I’ve spent exploring and embracing the darkness has undoubtedly been enlightening. But the truth is I’ve been simmering in this darkness for weeks…but more likely, years. And it’s time to make a decision. So here I am, at the proverbial fork in the road.
A Fork, Not a Crossroad
From this vantage, I can only see two paths from which to choose. And while I am uncertain which road leads to what, I am pretty confident that I’ll overthink both. So, while still simmering in this darkness I’m beginning to consider the appropriate way to apply the knowledge I have discovered. After all, what good is all this work if I don’t put it to good use?
Moving toward applying knowledge means that I have to embrace that I have actually gained some emotional intelligence. And quite honestly, the thoughts about the scenarios I’m currently considering are what give me pause to say that I have any intelligence whatsoever.
Perhaps just the act of reflection is proof of some gain in emotional intelligence. But you may remember me mentioning that with a track record like mine, it’s a little difficult to take a leap of faith so soon. Then again, what good is all this work if I don’t begin to practice it. I may fumble at first, even fall flat, but that’s a step toward some sort of mastery.
And so I’ve defined the two options at this crossroad:
- Sit and simmer in these thought bubbles a little longer to bulk up this emotional intelligence
- Take these thoughts out for a spin and see what they can do
Both of these options have their pitfalls. Simmering for too long can lead to overcooked thoughts with no real proof of their validity, not to mention pruny fingers. While stepping out of the pot and testing these thoughts means risking failure. This seems infinitely worse because I would prove these thoughts, which conjure such emotion, wrong. And because I’m human, that would be perceived as a major setback.
But both options leave me wondering about my emotional intelligence. Simply because the whole f*cking point of this reflection and inner work was to take what I’ve learned into the world. And so I am going to say, “f*ck it,” and take the chance. I’m stepping out of this stew of thoughts and making an attempt. And the first thing I’m going to do is apply this new, not-as-codependent me to the most immediate thought.
Emotional Intelligence and Casual Sex
Despite what I depict in my erotica short stories, I am pretty particular when it comes to taking a lover. (I absolutely love how that sounds, so I must be on the right track.) And so I am faced with my first challenge on this path of applying emotional intelligence.
This new man is still on the heels of me really letting go of my ex and fully releasing him from my heart. So while I have had some fun since him, this new proposal is different. Because he is just my type – passionate, handsome, and slightly emotionally unavailable. And every inch of my body is saying “F*CK YES!” because I know it has been awhile since I have felt the rush which comes from the thrill of a challenge. And while there is mutual respect and attraction, he is a challenge. And as I write this my newly found emotional intelligence said, “and so am I.”
So apparently this new path of mental exploration has yielded something. All that time getting to know my darkness has (seemingly) made me smarter. Because I’m beginning to see how my thinking is different.
Once Upon an Emotional Intelligence Disaster
There was a time when the challenge of this very exciting proposition would have made me want to see how far I could go. See if I could win his favor and go beyond sex. And the one time I didn’t feel this way and really just wanted to get laid resulted in a marriage. And we all know how that turned out. So the lesson here, the less I care about the potential outcome and focus on short-term goals the more likely I will ignore red flags and make bad decisions.
Kidding…but not really. Seriously, can I get any more backwards? Anyway, my newly acquired emotional intelligence has shown me something. It shows me that I’m beginning to dissect my thoughts, not with (total) justification, but with consideration for the variety of possibilities it offers. While I’ll likely embark on this offer just to feel the grip of passion overwhelm me once again, I can’t deny that I’m feeling a bit cougar-ish. Because what I want more than the challenge is to explore all that I’ve learned with him. Show him. Show myself.
I want to take all this experience up to this point in life and in my mind and show this ridiculously handsome, moderately emotionally unavailable, and perhaps a bit emotionally naive man the full breadth of intimacy with a woman who holds this type of wisdom in high regard.
It sounds like justification to me too. But indulge me for just a moment. It is not often I meet someone with whom I’d even take the time to consider such a scenario. That has always been part of my emotional intelligence. Perhaps because I learned just how much can be said and experienced through passion. And I learned this when I was 19 and practiced and explored it until I was 21. And yes, because my most recent ex has the emotional intelligence of a cumquat, it has been awhile since sex has conjured this kind of heat for me.
So yes. I want to feel that again. Nothing more. I have no desired outcome. Well, except that he’s a solid lover and I am able to give him an experience. So while I want to use this emotional intelligence to make better decisions on this chosen path, I also want to use it to enlighten. I’m a giver, damn it!
Thoughts on Things
Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder how I became this person who puts such thought into casual sex. Perhaps because I know the emotion, affections, and subsequent pitfalls along such a path. And while I want to have the experience, I want to make sure that I protect my heart. Plus, I really do have to regard someone to literally let them inside of my body. That’s a pretty vulnerable position.
So I suppose I have gained emotional intelligence. As I take it out for a spin, I am less starry-eyed about the idea of chasing such an encounter. And the desired outcome is to enlighten a man I have regarded for some time. Which would naturally lead to me being further enlightened by experiencing a man who sees me as I am, rather than what I could be if maybe someday he emotionally matured.
The Quest for Emotional Intelligence
So here I am, on this quest of understanding. And it’s much bigger than the issue of casual sex. The quest for emotional intelligence is the foundation of our creative energy. And in order to achieve some sort of mastery we must use it, apply it, and gain an understanding the full range of its power. And so I will celebrate this small victory of my newly acquired act of “careful consideration” on the path to growing and applying this emotional intelligence. When all is said and done I will remain focussed on my goal of experiencing my best life and continue to gather my thoughts and experiences to apply them as intelligently as I can.
What this approach births is a new beginning. And it is just as inspired and creative as all the thoughts which have come and gone.