I’m going to disconnect a bit from my usual logical approach for this piece. I am going to approach it from a more poetic, perhaps romantic, and definitely more spiritual perspective. Because, as you may have noticed, I am at a huge turning point in my life. So why not top it all off with the burn out of my twin flame relationship?
You see, every minute in life compounds on the last. And somewhere along the line, all of our minutes add up to phases. Some like to call them “chapters.” Whatever you call it, the truth is, if we look deeply enough at ourselves and our circumstances, we will likely find that those “chapters” are much like Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.
When one completes the cycle the journey ends, and a new one begins. In day-to-day terms, we like to say things like, “That chapter of my life has ended,” or, “I’m turning the page,” “Starting over,” etc. And in the spirit of the Hero’s Journey, it would seem that I recently crossed a threshold, reached the ascension point, and achieved some mastery of the last five years of my life. But as with all new beginnings, I am faced with one more big ending. Someone give me a candle snuffer, because the twin flame is going out.
I Couldn’t Be More Textbook
If you would’ve asked me five years ago, after my ex and I separated, I would’ve told you that I had met my twin flame. Even then I could look back over recent years and see the pattern of tiny details which unfolded to inspire our meeting. Everything about the relationship seemed divinely inspired. And lemme tell ya, from the start, my twin flame and I burned hot for one another.
And like all twin flame relationships, it was intense. Highs and lows to the most extreme.
But it was beautiful in its own way. And as with most twin flames, there were obstacles which just couldn’t be overcome. And with that, resentment built. We’d break up. Then come back together. It was constant and while I continued to hold out hope for improvement, it just wasn’t meant to be. Quite frankly, over the years, it got harder and harder for me to be nice most of the time. But being codependent, and giving myself challenges to prove my worthiness, I ate shit. A lot of it. Because it showed I was worthy.
From codependency to twin flame relationships…could my life be any more textbook??
The Flickering (Twin) Flame
And while it was up and down, back and forth for awhile romantically. It became friendship. But that friendship was also an emotional crutch for both of us. Him thinking it was buying him time to figure out the struggles in his life. While I, having already given up hope that anything would change, kept the friendship just in case the tiniest flicker of our twin flame would win out. It was the same tiny hope that lingered the moment we opened Pandora’s Box.
But yesterday that friendship came to an end. You could say that my twin flame burned out. The reasons for why now? why today? and the like are totally irrelevant. What matters is that it had to happen. It is the last item of reconciliation before waxing the seal on the last five years of my life. But my twin flame experience is a big part of my life’s story. So much so, I’m confident that little will be lost to Time’s sweeping hands.
Thoughts By the Light of a Twin Flame
Some would say that the twin flame comes along once in a lifetime. And there was a time I would agree. But as I mentioned, I clearly see that life is a series of endings and beginnings, beginnings and endings. As we embark upon each phase of our lives, very special people will come. And as we close those phases, those same very special people may go. (Yes, the ones who stay are special.)
But when it comes to twin flames, perhaps we need to take a more objective look. It’s entirely possible that once the lessons are learned the relationship will come to an end. Only to open the door for another divine connection in the next phase of your journey. This is not to say that a lost twin flame is any less of a special connection. Or that they weren’t a twin flame after all. Perhaps we should view them as special evolutionary connections. They were simply the twin flame for that phase.
If we are to reach the next chapter of exploration in our lives, and our twin flame has not reached this point as well (because it being a twin flame doesn’t mean being any less of an individual), we must let go of the comfortable and familiar hand and journey into the darkness alone. The lessons they brought us have been reconciled. It’s time to move forward. And perhaps welcome another twin flame who better matches this new version of you.
Maybe That’s the Point
In my case, I had to learn how to manage his indecision, lack of courage, guilt, and the biggest one of all – fear. Was I helping him? I thought I was. I thought I was helping him fix his life and get where he wanted to go. But the truth is, I wasn’t helping him. I was working through each of these feelings for myself. I just couldn’t see it. You could say I “couldn’t see the forest for the trees.” Advice I was giving to him was actually advice to myself. And now I can see that all the while I unwittingly took action in my own life while he stayed stagnant.
The frustration and anger, hurt and disappointment were seemingly directed at him. But as with all twin flame relationships, these were my lessons to myself. In retrospect, he actually helped me fix my life. And moreover, if we are to objectively look at what a twin flame relationship is, we can see that this is the whole point of having a twin flame. So, while I see him as being stagnant, the truth is, he helped me evolve. And in a cosmic sense, his time in my life is done.
All too often we get wrapped up in the pain of the loss that we fail to see the positive consequences of having had the experience. Knowing myself as I do right now provides an understanding of why snuffing out my twin flame is necessary to move onto the next chapter.
In Real World Terms
My twin flame and I had a tumultuous relationship. But it served both of us. Giving us passion and excitement in otherwise rather bleak circumstances. But I can only speak for myself and that relationship truly helped me see what I wanted and didn’t want not from a partner, but from myself. I don’t want to be afraid. Nor do I want to be indecisive or mired down with guilt. All things I felt when my ex and I split.
And while our relationship was no longer that of lovers, I have known for some time that our friendship was holding me back. It was a deception of sorts. Because I’ve been lying to myself. Secretly waiting for the magical twin flame to catch up to me. All the while knowing he couldn’t. And I’ve known this for quite some time. It was the one final piece in this Hero’s Journey. Before I can walk through to the next phase, with all the lessons and logic in tow, I must resolve this one piece. I must either snuff it out, or allow him to snuff it out.
And so, in the end Fate did what I could not. My twin flame snuffed it out for me. Now I am free of what had become a very heavy yoke. I’ll never forget him. And I hope that we may cross paths again some day on better terms. I’m optimistic about this growth. And for the first time in many years I’m free to dream about what life and love will look like in this coming phase of my life.
What’s Next?
As I mentioned in my last post, I’m starting to see how my inner yearnings have played out in my writing. I’m watching my writing evolve. And while I’d like to never look back, I know I have to honor my twin flame with a proper goodbye. The only way I can do that is through my words. And so I embark once again on writing another Mr. Darcy literotica story.
Looking back on my series of Darcy and Elizabeth, there is an evolution within it. Not only me as a writer, but me finding my voice. My passion. And while there was a time my twin flame evoked such emotions, I can clearly see instances in some stories where that inspiration faltered. So now, to my twin flame, if you’re reading this, thank you. For all that you were and all that you are. I will find my way of saying a proper goodbye. But until then, know that I will forever appreciate you and what you brought to my life.
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