I realized something as I finished up “The Queen’s Gambit.” Don’t ask me how I came to this conclusion after watching that series, I sincerely don’t know. But I discovered that what I’m missing in life is sincerity.
Not only am I missing sincerity. I am sincerely disappointed with the lack of honesty and the lack of sincerity this world. And since I’m on a roll – I’m disgusted that truth is constantly through a filter. A filter which I have no choice in applying. And no choice in removing. And I’m frustrated with the fact that truth is never what it seems.
The more thought I give to the idea of sincerity, the more I think about trust. Then I realized that the sincerity of others actually means nothing. And neither does trust in others. What matters is trust in your senses. Trust in your instincts. Trusting yourself, trusting what you see. Trusting that your past has properly prepared you to respond to what you are witnessing.
But the question begs, can we trust what we see? So now our instincts are tasked with first validating this purported “truth” before us and then determining the best response. It’s really no wonder that so many of us are exhausted.
A Little Piece of My Soul
I don’t know about you, but the constant navigation of “things aren’t ever what they seem” steals a little bit of my soul. Every day. We can never relax. And are constantly just trying to stay one step ahead. My dad had a saying, his spin on what was likely Poe –
They’re wise words. But honestly, what this saying embodies is also sincerely exhausting. Boiling it down – doubt everything.
Sincerely, Your Childhood
As with everything, if we are to sincerely look at where we sincerely lost sincerity, we need to look back. Most of us haven’t given much thought to the day or time when our childhood ended. But for the most part, it ended seamlessly. And if we were lucky, we move on to doing things we (thought we) wanted to do. But while children look forward to the freedom of adulthood they quickly learn that it’s not the freedom and fun they were counting on. But now they’re stuck and have no choice but to “maturely” navigate the barrage of misguided words, actions, and agendas of others. Which inevitably steals our essence, little by little.
Sure, we try to find our way back to the genuineness of childhood but many of us never get beyond the thought of it. And so we get older. We feel as though we’re losing time. Whereas we once felt that we were gaining time…and opportunity. And yet it is neither. We simply have the time, right now to find the genuine sincerity we once had, but allowed the world’s antics to strip from us.
Anticipation of Consequence
I talk about self awareness a lot. And this is no different. Do we not owe it to ourselves to let down the walls? Not to another, but to ourselves? Sincerely think about how it would feel if you allowed yourself to feel, once again, what sincerity feels like without anticipating a consequence – a let down. Give yourself a moment to feel without second guessing motives or underlying meanings. You may just realize that life, adult life, like childhood, is pretty great.
Just experiencing the thought of “sincerity” makes me understand why I’ve chosen to stay single. My experiences have made my instincts hypersensitive, and thus my heart is extremely guarded. And looking at my track record, I don’t blame my instincts on the subject. But it is inspiring to think about someone coming into my life who is worthy of such surrender. Because while sincerity begets trust, trust begets surrender. And while my instincts warn me against such vulnerability, I can’t help but feel this deeply.
But what inspires someone to surrender? The answer is as simple as it is difficult. The answer is freedom. Surrender, in this instance, is freedom. Freedom from the insincerity which caused you to question your own instincts. But what’s even greater is when you surrender to yourself. Trust yourself. Everyone else becomes life’s complement. Blind trust in another is just a diversion because we simply don’t blindly trust ourselves. Broken trust by another actually means nothing. But broken trust in one’s self, or never having trust in yourself – that. That is the greatest of all travesties in this life.
We are all on a quest for truth, whether literal or existential. And the waters of our experiences are choppy and sometimes hard to navigate. But these experiences allow us to prepare for things we perceive as inevitable, but are often still invisible. So if you are searching for sincerity. Sincerely surrender to yourself. It’s truly peaceful. It is where you heal, it is where you create. It is where you are sincerely you.
New Literotica is (still) Coming Soon
Who knew I had such a story in me. Here’s hoping I don’t hate it in the edit phase. If all goes well, Maison de Vere will have a new story on Amazon for you soon! Until then…