In a world obsessed with labels, let’s have a look at the sapiosexual. This is less about what a sapiosexual is. You can find an excellent explanation here. Rather, it’s more about the life behind the sapiosexual. And how we can all likely “identify.”
How Do You Identify? …and why no one should care
First, let’s get the topic of how you “identify” out of the way. Have a look at the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. The term “identify” in relation to all of this essentially means how you would describe yourself. Aside from knowing someone better, the acknowledgement of gender identity, sexual orientation, or what someone looks for in a friend or lover is inconsequential. These have nothing to do with character. Actually, your sexual orientation and gender identity have nothing to do with anything. They don’t impact anyone’s world except yours and that of your partner, or the one you admire. The way I see it, if you’re cool, we’re cool. And if your partner/spouse/friends are cool, even better.
I won’t deny that it is kind of nice to have a term that describes being attracted to intellect. It’s also nice to have other single-word terms to describe personal preferences. Words like vegetarian, pescatarian, and so on. And it’s no accident that I lumped sapiosexual in with how you like to eat. Simply because how you do or don’t take your steak and who you find attractive are actually similar. How so? Because neither of them are life changing for anyone but you. Having single-word descriptions are convenient ways to communicate our likes and dislikes. But I still think we could stand to do a little thing called talking. It helps us get to know people a bit better.
Coming Out as Sapiosexual…is total bs
As with everything in the world, the term sapiosexual has all the usual fanfare for the masses. There are quizzes on how to know if you are one. Tips on how to attract one. And admission videos on being one. All of this along with headlines of someone “coming out” as sapiosexual is just insensitive. At least it is in my (not-so) humble opinion.
There are too many people faced with coming out as an actual life changing decision. When people “come out” as lesbian, bisexual, gay, and/or trans they must consider the chance of backlash. Backlash from family, friends, religion, society. Not to mention all the other places one can be ostracized. So let’s try to avoid using the term “coming out” for something as insignificant as “sapiosexual.” Try and stick with terms such as, “I can relate to” or if we must, just stick with, “I identify as.” The truth is, no one is going to fire you for being sapiosexual. No one is going to deny baking you a wedding cake for your sapiosexual wedding.
A Personal Sapiosexual Exploration
With all of that out of the way, allow me to tell you something you likely don’t care about. I relate strongly to the definition of “sapiosexual.” I infinitely prefer intellect over looks when it comes to relationships. But there’s some fine print. At first, I have to find someone physically attractive. Even if it’s only slightly. Then, as they start to talk and expose their personalities, my inner sapiosexual pulls out her red pen.
- Mediocre Conversation Skills
- Moderate to Extreme Vanity
- and Boring
These are just a few of literally hundreds of things which kill my attraction. And I’m not even exaggerating. Perhaps we could say that I’m inversely shallow.
So we know that there are those who find that attractive people can become unattractive as their intellect quotient (note I didn’t say “intelligence quotient”) is exposed. And the opposite is true too. Someone who I find to be moderately to minimally attractive can become the object of great admiration, if they can engage my mind. Call me slightly vain, but being both eye candy and mind candy is a really big win!
For the Record
Being sapiosexual does not mean that I am smart, or that my partner is smart. It simply means that they engage with my mind in a way that is appealing to me. Your form of sapiosexual could mean something completely different to you.
Evolution of a Fancy Word
Apparently the term sapiosexual has been around for quite some time.
But as our sex logic would tell us, and is supported by the Psychology Today article, being attracted to someone’s mind is not new. Not by a long shot. We just said it differently. Things like, “I’m attracted to their mind,” rather than using a fancy word.
It’s actually quite possible that we are all a bit sapiosexual. We’ve all outgrown people, whether lovers or friends. It’s clear that your sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. But maybe your age does. Allow me to explain my logic.
Late Teens – Early Twenties: When you’re young you’re still learning who you are. Life is surface. Attraction is often primarily physical. Thoughts of attraction and love are about what you hope it will be, not what it actually is. This is simply because of limited experience with it. Friendships are fun and spontaneous. Most men I know thought that a relationship meant sex whenever they wanted it. Most women I know thought the “high” of their young love would never end.
Late Twenties – Thirties: The excited drive of youth begins to calm down. No matter your relationship status, you realize that you’re changing as a person. You have more life experiences under your belt. You have more to think about and more to talk about. Likes and dislikes have evolved, both physically and emotionally. Your interests expand and your horizons broaden. Views of intimacy evolve, too.
Forty +: You’re more confident. If you’re a woman, your libido changes. Life experiences are piling up. This means life has fewer surprises and it takes more to intrigue you. At this stage, a dynamic individual is infinitely more appealing than a personality you’ve already experienced.
And there you have it. Just one very rough example of how sapiosexuals could evolve. This is not to say that young people don’t experience mind attraction. There is something wildly attractive about someone with a profound mind at any age. And as we get older the deeper we get. Perhaps the need for mental stimulation is why some people have relationships with people twenty years their senior. There are so many aspects to this we can consider. But I’ll save those topics for another sex chat. In the meantime, consider the following.
Age = Experience. Experience = Intriguing Stories. Intriguing Stories Told Well = Mental Stimulation. Need for Mental Stimulation = Sapiosexual.
Oh, and if you find that you’re attracted to intellect, but don’t bring much to the table, I’d recommend cultivating the garden of your mind. Because being sapiosexual isn’t a one way street. Often intellect is attracted to intellect. Plainly said, engaging people hunger for someone to challenge and enlighten them, too.
Welcome to the Friend Zone
Being sapiosexual doesn’t begin and end with romantic relationships. This is where those I am not sexually attracted to, but enjoy their company, wind up. The Friend Zone. You’ll find both men and women here. I consider my friends to be smart, funny, and witty people. They can speak intelligently on many subjects. And they have the best humor. Those closest to me are the ones I regard most. And as their appeal dwindles, the farther back they go. It’s my own sapiosexual ranking system.
If someone tells you they’re sapiosexual, then consider their friendship a complement. Because being sapiosexual shows an appreciation for the hard work someone has done to nurture their mind. They see you as engaging, intellectual, and smart. If you enjoy their company in return, for more than just mere physical attraction or surface conversation, then perhaps you identify as sapiosexual.
What Sapiosexual Isn’t
Being the object of desire for a sapiosexual doesn’t mean that you’re wildly smart, but it could. Sapiosexuals are looking for something more profound in their lovers and their friends. Whether or not you’re sapiosexual, the whole point of life is to continue nurturing your mind. Expand your horizons. Have experiences. The “intellectual” has an intrinsic drive for knowledge. If you’re looking for a sapiosexual relationship then you must already know that sex starts in the mind. Whether sapiosexual or not, shallow conversation just isn’t going to do it.
Maison de Vere has published another literotica short story in “The Poor Darcy Series.” “Mr. Darcy’s Profound Love” is available now on Amazon Kindle.